On Craving Community and Returning to Third Places
American culture of hyper-independence is killing me. Is it killing you, too?
America, Divided
Does anyone else feel incredibly lonely? The political divide makes it feel like I’m the only one stuck in the middle of two insane extremes. But I know there are others who live in the nuanced areas of real life. Where are you, and how do I find you?
Facebook locals groups would have me believe that no one is capable of conversing anymore. I live smack dab in the middle of two communities that are deeply intertwined, but are opposite in many ways, so we have loud voices from both extremes. There was a no kings protest in the conservative community, which sparked several threads on the local Facebook groups. I noticed trends I’ve both seen at large and experienced firsthand:
Some people are coming to the table genuinely confused by the protesters and open to hearing them out.
The people who respond to these people are not people from the protest, but rather a lot of anti-protesters saying what they think the protesters are about. These voices outnumbered the genuine responses from protesters.
I’m left to wonder how many people are afraid to engage because it opens them up to so much bullying from the anti protesters, even if the original poster had genuine intent to hear them out.
What is the original poster thinking, at that point? They’ve been told a lot of incorrect information—at least at the subconscious level, all that badgering is going to affect their bias. Do they believe the lie, that protesters are just paid actors from the liberal community next door? Do they believe that the protesters don’t know what they’re even protesting?
It feels like no one is actually talking to each other, there are just a bunch of strawmen distorting the conversation. People respond to the strawmen rather than actually hearing what the other side is saying.
My internet code of conduct has always been “don’t feed the trolls,” but I don’t know if that’s actually in our best interest anymore. Clearly, they aren’t going to starve if we don’t feed them. They continue to multiply and overshadow the Good Ones.
So I’m done arguing online. I can link this article and save my breath. As someone who grew up loving online spaces, it’s hard to say this, but online communities are inherently toxic these days. You can’t trust any of it for genuine human interaction. Don’t even get me started on AI.
Finding Third Places
Third Places are social spaces that exist outside of the home and work spheres. They diminished severely in the last few decades for a variety of reasons, but ultimately it can be summed up by capitalistic greed. Third Places needed to make a profit, and as the economy has declined, fewer people have the money to spare for going to Third Places. With the invention of the internet, free online spaces became the default.
Please take a moment to ponder that “loitering” is even a crime. What a bulls— capitalistic take! To define existing without apparent purpose as a crime? You must always be actively employed, or actively looking to spend. There is no allowance to just exist in the community in which we live (and pay taxes to!)
I’m no lawyer, but I would argue that my God-intended purpose is to exist, and so loitering is impossible. I am a taxpayer in this community, and therefore, I have every right to "loiter” anywhere I please in order to appreciate the infrastructure, people, and nature of my community.
Third Place #1: The Church
So what Third Places exist for me? I tried to join a church. I found a church with a leader who spoke about Jesus with conviction, calling for radical change within the Christian community to return to the actual commandment of our faith: to love our neighbor as ourselves. Unfortunately, the congregation is not the community I was looking for.
Matthew 25:40 (“Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me”) is the basis for my advocacy. This church, despite having a great leader, was not ready to challenge the status quo, which abuses and oppresses the least of our brothers and sisters. I cannot sit idly by while the government is executing citizens in the streets; criminalizing asylum seekers; imprisoning humans in concentration camps. The part that is personal to me, though, is that they are doing these things in the name of my faith. It’s time to flip tables.
This church wasn’t ready for that. So I went to my other sacred space: the Library.
Third Place #2: The Library
The public library is one of the few spaces that is still there to support the community in ways that art spaces and gyms can’t compare. They’re free, for one. I notice in community art spaces, there’s often pressure to buy from local art suppliers. So, it’s hard to feel welcome if you’re on a tight budget. At the library, crafting circles have no judgement where you got your materials. Plus, there are events and groups constantly happening to encourage connecting with others in the community. I rarely see strangers chatting it up at the gym or pool, but at the library, you can connect over any niche you’re in. Not to mention, librarians are basically wizards, they can help you find the information for almost anything you could need.
I’m trying to be a consistent patron, and I’m slowly building a relationship with other regulars. It brings me joy to know the people in my community. And I’ve already witnessed more genuine conversations across political lines than in any of those Facebook groups. I’ve yet to witness any trolls in the library.
Third Place #3: The Community Garden
I’m considering the community garden this summer for another Third Place. Technically, it’s not free, but $15 for a plot for the entire growing season is a pretty low barrier to entry.
I have land. I have rabbits who provide me with endless fertilizer. Yet, I am going to get a community plot to meet others, and hopefully learn about gardening in this valley, since I moved from a totally different grow zone.
Brainstorming other third places:
The local farmers market is much smaller than the large farmers market in the community next door. I love to support this as a growing space. It is usually pretty small, but I’d like to see it become more popular. I can’t just sit at home and wait until it grows, I need to get out there and be part of the growth! So I’m committing to our Thursday markets, just as a body. Being there encourages others to come. And while there’s lots of opportunities to spend, there’s no obligation. It can be a casual social space as well.
My husband is a gearhead, so we support the local cars and coffee club as well. It’s a free, family-friendly event and a great opportunity to meet the same people every other week.
I’m connecting with the county’s extension office to get involved as a 4H mentor to teach fiber arts and support the youth even though I don’t have kids.
I’ve had too many conversations with people who complain about supporting school systems, parks, education programs, etc. on the basis that they don’t have kids, so they shouldn’t have to pay for it. I want the children in my community to flourish. They don’t have to be my blood for me to wish for them to thrive. Why is that so revolutionary?
Volunteer Spaces: I love meeting up with others for regular volunteering. I’m currently trying to create a regular craftivism space, but honestly, that will probably end up being at the Library. It’s just such a universally accessible space.
Any other free/low priced Third Spaces come to mind? Restaurants, coffee shops, and bars are all too expensive to be sustainable.
Connection and Conversation
It’s only after you know and love your neighbors that you can start to have the hard conversations with them. Even then, I am working on my NVC skills so that I can make sure the person I’m conversing with is hearing me, and I’m hearing them.
I don’t want to live in an echo chamber. It’s lonely to be surrounded by your own thoughts and opinions all the time. I need to be challenged by others so that I can fully consider my own beliefs. I hope that others appreciate differing opinions in the same way I do, but I know that’s not the case for many.
Conversation, to me, is a search for mutual understanding. Not necessarily agreement, but fully understanding each side of the argument and why each person believes what they believe. I am seeking truth, not to be right. I appreciate those who challenge me and correct me. That is how I grow.
“Always remember that to argue, and win, is to break down the reality of the person you are arguing against. It is painful to lose your reality, so be kind, even if you are right.”
―Haruki Murakami
I’m impatient. This is a slow process. But I’m challenging myself to embrace my community fully, and allowing God to bring the people into my life that I need. I will try to keep an open mind when conversing with those who challenge my beliefs. I also am going to try and be ready for the hard conversations. I need to be able to clearly articulate my beliefs without triggering defensiveness in the person I’m talking to. I am taking the time to consider kind approaches to conversations that otherwise would send me into a rage.
Helping me on this journey is John Fugelsang, in The Separation of Church and Hate: a Sane Person’s Guide to taking back the Bible from Fundamentalists, Fascists, and Flock-fleecing Frauds he articulates the arguments from the far right and how to respond on their terms and appeal to their logic and values. 12/10 stars.
Final Thoughts…
Whenever I’m lost, I look for ways to serve. It’s how my Mama raised me, and it’s how Jesus calls us to act. I’m going to continue to look for those opportunities, and I hope that you do too. It’s not about looking for work, or for community service hours. It’s about getting offline (sorry, cherished online friends) and connecting to the real people around me and serving their needs.
Children are dying in Palestine. Women are shunned (and worse) for menstruating in western Nepal. The Amazon rain forest is being harvested to death. The ice caps are melting. Our world elites are part of a pedophilic ring that still hasn’t seen proper justice in court. I am overwhelmed by the grief of the world, but I am not helpless. I can be a helper in the community I am in. I’ll trust that the other 8+ billion people in the world will do their part in their communities. Maybe, if we all do a little, it will add up to a lot. If nothing else, at least I can sleep at night.